''I haven't felt alright for a really long time.''
A lot of things have happened since my last post. So I will just write down a quick update on my life and then continue with everything I want to tell you.
My school is offering an IB programme and they accept only 22 students per year. I was one of them. So now I have new classmates, new professors, and new subjects. Everything is in English and even though I understand and speak it well, it's hard to communicate in a foreign language all the time. It's the most prestige programme, known all around the world and I should be ecstatic about being accepted, but am I? After two months I am still not sure if this is what I really want.
Why? I feel so damn lonely. I left my friends behind. It's not like I wanted to. That was a consequence of putting my future in the first place. Is it worth losing everything? I still talk to my friends of course. But the problem is we are not in the same class anymore. We have different schedules and obligations. I finish with school very late and have no time in afternoons. I talk with them only over facebook, at lunchtime in school or for five minutes if I see them in the hallways. But that's not enough. We used to be together all the time. And know I feel like I am not part of their lives anymore. They talk about things that I have no idea are happening. I can't tell them about my classmates and other problems, because they don't know them. I miss my friends and I miss the old times. And all I wanna do is to go back and ignore those two months, but I can't.
About my new class... Well, they are all nice, but we are divided into groups. People who already know each other are hanging together, foreigners are hanging together... And then there's me. I have no one because I don't know others and that's why I don't belong to any group. Of course, I talk to them and try to make new friends. But I can't tell them anything personal, because simply we don't know each other well enough yet. And I feel out of place. They all have this group of friends with inside jokes and shared history. I don't know what to talk about with them to not feel awkward. It's really uncomfortable and lately, I've been crying a lot.
So now I am feeling like there's absolutely nobody that I can tell my problems, fears, and doubts. I just need somebody to talk. About everything and nothing. Someone that I trust completely. And I need that person soon. Because I can't take it anymore. Loneliness was always my biggest fear. I am living it right now. And the worst thing is that nobody even noticed.
~ Lyria
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