Then I want you to be my friend. I need someone to talk, without judging me. Someone who would listen closely to the words I say.
There is a lot of little things about me that no one knows. They simply do not care and do not notice. But I want them to know. Like how much writing means to me. And the way I always eat up the chocolate half of chocolate - vanilla croissant first, because I love Vanilla. That I am pluviophile.
Strangers think I am quiet, shy, nice. Maybe once I was. But I've changed. Now I dare to do things I have never imagined. I can go to a random person and start chatting with him/her. I am not quiet either. Around my friends, I talk and talk and never stop. I get annoyed if my friends talk so much that I can't. I am a great listener, but I also want to be the one that they listen to. And nice? Of course, I can be super nice, but I love being sarcastic, too. Surely I'm just kidding, but people who don't know me enough can take it seriously.
So where is all of this going? I guess I just need to write down my feelings, my thoughts.
I'm different and kinda crazy. Sometimes it's good, isn't it? I am afraid in my case it's not.
I do have friends, my group of people that I like. But I don't feel totally comfortable around them. I can't trust easily and I often find myself thinking what can I actually tell them, when will they betray me, what if they are just faking, what can I even talk about with them? I know those are mine anxiety issues, but what can I do? I cannot get rid of my fears. It's also my family. I grew up with very Catholic parents. They would take me to the church every Sunday, I wasn't allowed to curse, I had to pray in the evenings. I still pray cause it has become a habit of mine, but I don't go to the church so often anymore and I curse. I feel bad, I know it hurts my parents, but I just can't be like them. I am not so religious and it doesn't mean so much to me as it means to them. We often fight about it and I feel really sad about it.
I'm trying to be perfect, I pretend that I am.
But I don't even know who I am anymore.
Reality is... I'm a mess. I have my own issues and I am far away from perfect. I'm just a random kid, looking for my own spot in the world. Right now I am trying to find myself again.
~ Lyria
P.S. English isn't my native language so be gentle, please. I make mistakes but I am doing my best.
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