When you're lonely...

''I haven't felt alright for a really long time.''

A lot of things have happened since my last post. So I will just write down a quick update on my life and then continue with everything I want to tell you.

My school is offering an IB programme and they accept only 22 students per year. I was one of them. So now I have new classmates, new professors, and new subjects. Everything is in English and even though I understand and speak it well, it's hard to communicate in a foreign language all the time. It's the most prestige programme, known all around the world and I should be ecstatic about being accepted, but am I? After two months I am still not sure if this is what I really want. 

Why? I feel so damn lonely. I left my friends behind. It's not like I wanted to. That was a consequence of putting my future in the first place. Is it worth losing everything? I still talk to my friends of course. But the problem is we are not in the same class anymore. We have different schedules and obligations. I finish with school very late and have no time in afternoons. I talk with them only over facebook, at lunchtime in school or for five minutes if I see them in the hallways. But that's not enough. We used to be together all the time. And know I feel like I am not part of their lives anymore. They talk about things that I have no idea are happening. I can't tell them about my classmates and other problems, because they don't know them. I miss my friends and I miss the old times. And all I wanna do is to go back and ignore those two months, but I can't.

About my new class... Well, they are all nice, but we are divided into groups. People who already know each other are hanging together, foreigners are hanging together... And then there's me. I have no one because I don't know others and that's why I don't belong to any group. Of course, I talk to them and try to make new friends. But I can't tell them anything personal, because simply we don't know each other well enough yet. And I feel out of place. They all have this group of friends with inside jokes and shared history. I don't know what to talk about with them to not feel awkward. It's really uncomfortable and lately, I've been crying a lot. 

So now I am feeling like there's absolutely nobody that I can tell my problems, fears, and doubts. I just need somebody to talk. About everything and nothing. Someone that I trust completely. And I need that person soon. Because I can't take it anymore. Loneliness was always my biggest fear. I am living it right now. And the worst thing is that nobody even noticed.

                                                                                                                                 ~ Lyria

Being real ~ yes or no?

'' 'You,' he said, 'are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe is why you're in so much pain.' ''

When I was little I used to be scared of everything. I didn't want to talk to a waiter or call my friend's mum. I was shy and kinda spoiled, I guess. I've always been daddy's girl and I became used to living this way. It was so easy to make me cry and hurt my feelings. I had trust issues and I felt like every single friend I have ever made had betrayed me. I wasn't comfortable in my skin and had low self-esteem. 

You know, there's surely this one person in your class that always, but really always gets everything right, have perfect grades and teachers seem to love her? Well, I guess that was me. My schoolmates thought I am a nerd because I'm just lucky to have semi-photographic memory and I remember things quickly. Also, my parents are kinda strict and they expected perfect grades and first places in competitions. I also trained dance and had a lot of extra activities after school. But schoolmates weren't mean to me like kids usually are to nerds, at least most of them weren't. I was nice to everybody and tried to help if I was able to and that's why they liked me. Even though I often felt like I don't belong there and that they are just using me.

After ninth grade and some events that ruined my friendships and relationships, I decided to make a change. I did something really bold and grand for me. I was extremely proud afterward and believe it or not, it really helped me. So what was this Big Thing? 

I went to London, alone, with a plane. For two weeks in the summer I took an English course in London. It was a really great experience and one of the best things I have ever done in my whole life. I gained confidence, made a lot of new friends (also from foreign countries and with some of them I still keep in touch) and learned how to speak English more openly because you know what? Others don't speak it perfectly either and I am trying my best. And when I came back I felt like something has changed. I was different and it wasn't just my stupid feeling. I felt like finally I can start again and become new me, the one that I will love. 

And I did. I really like myself now. What is different? I am surely far more confident and I dare to do things that I have never imagined. I dance at the parties, go out with friends, sometimes drink... I am loud and the one who suggest something crazy. It's really funny when my friends choose me to speak in front of the class or to do what we need to do. They say I am the loudest and the bravest. Guess what? It feels great. I like to be this person, the one others can trust, laugh with and confide with their problems. Now I am in high school and there are still cliques in the class, but somehow I get along with everybody. They seem to like me and I am still 100% myself. Once my friend told me that she wants to be like me. Relaxed, confident and nice. She said that it's really easy to talk to me and that people around me quickly get a feeling like they know me for ages and they can trust me and talk with me about everything. It meant the world to me. I was so so happy to hear that.

But even though I became tougher words can still hurt. Last week I went to a party. The theme was Back in Time: Disco. So glitters, neon colors and colorful clothes. I put on white trainers, colorful and striped knee socks, light blue high waisted shorts, neon pink top, and a black and white cardigan because it was a little bit cold. I also made two ponytails, one on each side and put a sparkling shadow on my eyelids. The night was great, really and my friends were dressed up, too. We laughed, danced and had a great time. I was feeling okay. But the next day...

My ex-schoolmate sent me a snapchat screenshot. It was a picture of me made by a girl, who's at the same school as me, but in a different class and we don't even know each other. In the picture, she wrote the caption: Like she's going to the Shrovetide carnival. She added crying with laughter emojis. 

Maybe it's nothing big and I'm just being stupid. But it really hurt my feelings. One single sentence can ruin everything you achieved and worked hard for. Why are people so mean? Why don't they think before saying something stupid? Her comment made me sad and I felt like I am back in primary school. Now I am scared to be wild and chill again. What if everybody thinks I am super weird and they just hang out with me because they find me funny and good to laugh at? Insecurity is quickly creeping its way back into my life. What should I do?

                                                                                                                         ~ Lyria

Our Fandom

"Used to sing about being free but now he's changed his mind."

I am a fangirl. I've happened to find myself in this crazy fandom, full of drama and tears. Where all the magic happens and where the darkest secrets are held and exposed. We are brothers and sisters, we cry and laugh and fight, but we always stay together. Cause, in the end, we are all breathing for this one band. They were nothing and they've become everything. These five boys who lost the X Factor but won the world. One Direction.

I wasn't here from the very first day and believe me, I regret it every minute. It's like watching your baby grow older. Hairstyles, clothes, thinner bodies, flawless faces, more tattoos... Everything is changing. It's becoming better, I guess? Yeah, in some ways. But on the other hand, we keep watching their smiles becoming faker and faker, eyes losing their sparkles, hugs are not so tight as they used to be and in the end, everything about them fades. They lost themselves in an attempt to save us.

You can laugh at me and say I'm just a little girl, but I am not. I went through a lot and they saved me, too. They aren't Saints. But they were, are and always will be our heroes, our angels. They gave us hope. A simple tweet, loving words, meaningful songs. It kept us going for a day longer. Their love and passion were enough, while we couldn't find happiness in ourselves.

Now I've been here for three amazing years already. I don't know their shoe sizes, penis lengths or every phone they've ever owned. But I know what they like, who they love and I remember the words they say. I know their smiles and eyes and hugs. I know their voices and how they dance. I know their jokes and I know what hurts them. I remember little things and gestures and responses. I remember things that make them special. That's what really matters.

This year I had a chance to see their concert. It was one of the most incredible moments in my life. The memory I will never forget. This feeling when you finally see your idols, when you realize they are actually real. When you are standing in the crowd and waiting and screaming and crying and you find yourself hugging a random person. The atmosphere is magical and the bonds that are made are special. We were helping each other, passing plastic cups of water around and talking about boys we adore. I still don't know how, but I managed to end up in the first row. I saw them and they were standing and sitting and singing and laughing and hugging and drinking just two meters away from me. Majestic. I had this plastic ball with a sign: "We love you guys." Also, my twitter name and my country were written on it and I drew a big heart. While they were singing Stockholm Syndrome all fans from my country (the concert was in the closest country to mine) started to throw the balls on the stage or just up in the air. My ball landed on the stage, directly in front of Louis' legs. I totally freaked out, it was unbelievable. And then he kicked it and Liam picked it up and hold the ball in his hands. It was like a dream, heaven, my life was complete.

I wish I could hug them. Tell the boys I love them and that they have saved me, too. Tell them I am sorry I couldn't do the same. I am sorry I couldn't save them. I wanna ask them about their day, about their family, how they are. I wanna ask about their favorite name or quote or whatever really. Just talk to them. Sing a song, make them laugh. I wish I could do that.

So maybe you don't understand, maybe you will still hate them, say rude things and laugh at us, Directioners. It hurts, it tears us apart, but in the end, we will love those boys even more. You may be in a fandom, but there is no such fandom as ours. You'll never know how it is to have sisters and brothers and friends for life. You'll never understand our jokes and why do we keep watching old video diaries. You'll never try everything to break the records and to make boys happy. You will never have idols so special that you could fly through the water. Angels who never leave.

It's only our fandom and our band. This is us. Cause when we are together, One Direction and Directioners, we can outlive the Universe.

                                                                                                                                       ~ Lyria

P.S. Are you in 1D fandom, too? What do you love the most about boys? Are you in any other fandom?

Feel free to comment!

Again, sorry for my mistakes, I am not British (:

A way to...

Have you ever felt too awkward and out of place? Lonely and speechless around your friends? Too different to find your soul sister?
Then I want you to be my friend. I need someone to talk, without judging me. Someone who would listen closely to the words I say.
There is a lot of little things about me that no one knows. They simply do not care and do not notice. But I want them to know. Like how much writing means to me. And the way I always eat up the chocolate half of chocolate - vanilla croissant first, because I love Vanilla. That I am pluviophile.
Strangers think I am quiet, shy, nice. Maybe once I was. But I've changed. Now I dare to do things I have never imagined. I can go to a random person and start chatting with him/her. I am not quiet either. Around my friends, I talk and talk and never stop. I get annoyed if my friends talk so much that I can't. I am a great listener, but I also want to be the one that they listen to. And nice? Of course, I can be super nice, but I love being sarcastic, too. Surely I'm just kidding, but people who don't know me enough can take it seriously.
So where is all of this going? I guess I just need to write down my feelings, my thoughts.
I'm different and kinda crazy. Sometimes it's good, isn't it? I am afraid in my case it's not.
I do have friends, my group of people that I like. But I don't feel totally comfortable around them. I can't trust easily and I often find myself thinking what can I actually tell them, when will they betray me, what if they are just faking, what can I even talk about with them? I know those are mine anxiety issues, but what can I do? I cannot get rid of my fears. It's also my family. I grew up with very Catholic parents. They would take me to the church every Sunday, I wasn't allowed to curse, I had to pray in the evenings. I still pray cause it has become a habit of mine, but I don't go to the church so often anymore and I curse. I feel bad, I know it hurts my parents, but I just can't be like them. I am not so religious and it doesn't mean so much to me as it means to them. We often fight about it and I feel really sad about it.
I'm trying to be perfect, I pretend that I am.
But I don't even know who I am anymore.
Reality is... I'm a mess. I have my own issues and I am far away from perfect. I'm just a random kid, looking for my own spot in the world. Right now I am trying to find myself again.
                                                                                                                       ~ Lyria

P.S. English isn't my native language so be gentle, please. I make mistakes but I am doing my best.